My life has been lonely and as I've been thinking over the matter, I think I would like a husband. As a fervent cat owner, I realize that men and cats are essentially the same. A cat's aloof, lazy, and egocentric nature are all startlingly similar to the common disposition of a husband. House cat, husband, what's the difference? In any case, I believe that I have mastered the ins and outs of cat ownership and am ready for Cat version 2.0: husband.
I want a husband who is an anomaly. I want a husband who is completely dependent on me and who will follow me around the house while I do things and constantly watch me while I take care of the house and study. I want a husband who is completely independent and will shy away from my kisses and attention. I want a husband who will want to cuddle when I'm working and who will be nowhere to be found when I want his attention. I want a husband who will make me crave his attention, who will cause me to earn his kisses, who will fit perfectly alongside me.
I want a husband with irregular sleeping habits. I want a husband who I will find curled up on an armchair, snoozing in the afternoon. I want a husband who will stay up for most of the night, sitting patiently at the window while I sleep, contemplating the stars and existentialism, food and world dominatation . I want a husband who will fall asleep on my arm while I read and keep my feet warm at night. I want a husband who will wake me up 6 in the morning on a Saturday, begging to be fed and adored
I want a husband who will protect me. I want a husband who will keep watch of the house and ward of intruders with his battle cry. I want a husband who will isn't afraid to kill for me and isn't afraid to vanquish his enemies (so long as they are smaller than a penny).
I want a husband who greets me enthusiastically at the door. I want a husband who looks at life eagerly with new, wide eyes, who thinks every meal I place before him is a feast and who isn’t afraid to get lost in dreams by sleeping 20 plus hours a day.
If I could find a husband like this, maybe I wouldn’t have to spend the rest of my life as a crazy cat lady.
Anna, this is utterly hilarious. The concept of cats as husbands is unique, very entertaining, and strangely fitting.
ReplyDeleteHergwerts!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for that deep, insightful comment, Lara.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, this is the best. The angle you took is vastly different from all of the other essays. Though that's probably a good thing, since if every woman married a cat then the human species would cease to exist. Also this shows how perfectly insane you are.
ReplyDelete